You really coming over, don't trick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
