i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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