She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
