new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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