dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
