I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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