my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
