Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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