How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
