I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
