my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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