Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
