i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
