Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
