1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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