I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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