I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
