yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
