i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
