[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
