I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
