that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize