so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
