dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize