guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
