he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
