He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
