She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize