She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
