Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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