Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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