Little spoons don't ask big questions
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
