Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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