My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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