Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
