I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
