I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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