I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize