I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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