Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
