her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
