my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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