My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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