He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
