I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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