when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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