Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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