My Higher Power is John Stamos
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
