Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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