Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
