Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
