Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
