I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
