I will die if light touches me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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