i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
