I love black thongs
i may or may not be watching the land before time
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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