why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
