Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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