i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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