I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize