The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just gargled with NyQuil
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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