the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
