I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
