i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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