What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
